Navigating the Holidays When Grief is an Uninvited Guest

It's ok not to be okay.

The calendar flips to November, and suddenly life is wrapped in glittering lights, cheerful music, and traditions that seem to whisper, “Be happy.”

But when you’re grieving, whether from the death of a loved one, a divorce, a breakup, a job loss, or a fractured friendship, the holidays can feel overwhelming. Grief doesn’t rest, and the pressure to be festive can feel crushing.

Here is a compassionate guide to managing grief, setting boundaries, and finding gentle moments of healing this holiday season.

Myth #1 You Have to Be Happy Because It’s the Holidays

Reality: You are not obligated to feel joyful.

Holiday cheer is everywhere, on social media, in commercials, at parties, and in decorations, and it can make your real emotions feel “wrong” or inconvenient. This pressure pushes many people to fake smiles or pretend they're okay.

What to Do Instead: Slow Down and Protect Your Energy

Say No Without Guilt: You are allowed to decline invitations or traditions that feel too heavy. A simple, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m taking it slow this year,” is enough.

Have an Exit Strategy: If you choose to attend an event:

• Decide how long you’ll stay

• Identify a quiet space for breaks

• Ask a supportive “grief ally” to check in

You don’t have to put on a facade of happiness. It's perfectly acceptable to feel and express your true emotions.

Myth #2 - You Must Keep All Your Traditions the Same

Reality: Trying to recreate the past can deepen grief.

For those grieving a death or divorce, old traditions can feel like sudden emotional ambushes. A familiar ornament, a song, or even the smell of holiday food can trigger intense sadness.

What to Do Instead: Adapt Tradition Instead of Avoiding It

Create a Memorial Moment: Light a candle, hang a meaningful ornament, cook their favorite dish, or make a small donation in their honor.

Change the Routine: If you always host, let someone else host. If you cooked a particular meal, change the menu. If you baked with your partner, invite a friend or relative this year.

“Grief is not a problem to be solved; it is a sacred journey to be honored.”

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Founder of the Center for Loss & Life Transition

Myth #3 - Only “Big” Losses Count During the Holidays

Reality: Invisible losses hurt deeply, too.

Job loss, friendship loss, estrangement, or significant life changes are often ignored because people don’t know how to acknowledge them. This lack of recognition can intensify shame and loneliness.

What to Do Instead: Reclaim Purpose in Simple, Tangible Ways

Volunteer Your Skills: Losing a job doesn’t erase your value. Offer your talents to a local organization—you’ll reconnect with your purpose and give someone else relief.

Break the Rumination Cycle: Instead of replaying “what went wrong,” engage in mentally absorbing activities like knitting, coding, puzzles, or crafting. These help interrupt repetitive, painful thoughts.

Choose Free Joy: Avoid financial pressure by focusing on low-cost or free activities, such as holiday lights, drives, movie nights, DIY gifts, or potluck gatherings.

Your loss is valid, even if others can’t see it.

Myth #4 - You Can Push Through the Holidays Without Self-Care

Reality: Grief drains your emotional and physical energy.

Grief often disrupts sleep, appetite, and concentration, which makes holiday stress even more challenging to manage.

What to Do Instead: Build a Steady Self-Care Routine

Schedule Grief Time: Give your grief a place. Journal, cry, pray, meditate, or talk to someone supportive for 15–30 minutes. This helps prevent emotional “surprises” later.

Keep a Consistent Rhythm: Steady sleep and wake times help stabilize your nervous system.

Seek Support: Many churches, clinics, and community groups offer holiday grief workshops or circles. You are not meant to carry this alone.

Remember to be gentle to yourself.

This holiday season, give yourself grace. There is no “correct” way to grieve, and there is no timeline for healing. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, rest when you need it, and honor both your pain and your progress.

If you are grieving a loss during this holiday season, consider speaking to a professional. Call us at Hopeful Expectations Counseling 704-247-7638, (www.hecounseling.com), if you are outside of North Carolina, you can find help at www.psychologytoday.com. If you are feeling suicidal, call 988 for assistance.